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Picking up the Pieces

It has been three months since I wrote something, three months since I made a resolution to write every day and three months since I broke it. But before I go full on negative on myself, truth is so much has happened in between, and it has been hard to come bak from that. I don't know I have and if I will anytime soon but maybe I'll get there bit by bit, slowly, one step at a time.
The whole of March I pretty much did nothing, I kept sort of running away from the pile of stuff I had to do, I just couldn't do it, I couldn't get myself to even move at all. I just wanted to be still and got agitated every time I had to make the slightest of  movement. I had terrible mood swings and was depressed for the most part, I have to acknowledge and accept that what happened with ASA had a huge impact on my mental health, I don't think I can ever forgive all the men in ASA for what they did to me, or get over it. But I don't think I want to get into it now because I'm still sore from all the hurt and pain to talk about it and I know once I get into it, its only a never ending abyss that's really hard to come back from. I already feel like crying thinking about it. I must move on to something more positive, else I wont achieve the purpose of this post, taking a step forward to get on with my life. It's probably unhealthy to bundle it all up like this, but at this point I don't think it is helping me in any way.
In all this darkness, speaking to my therapist really helped me, something she said t me really helped me a lot, I was constantly struggling with having so much to do and not being able to even lift a finger to do anything. She told me not to be hard on myself and to just give my self time, give my body time, because maybe it is your body's way of telling you it is exhausted, and don't let yourself be moral policed into constantly viewing yourself as lazy. I think its one of the best things anyone has told me in the recent past, because looking back now i probably really needed to sort of completely shut down, something like a reboot I suppose. I didn't actively try to do my work, I just left it, I tried once or twice and that was that, i would just watch tv for most part and just sit or lie down and this current lockdown in the country has helped me somehow to get that time for myself. I seemed to have slowly started to pick the pieces, unconsciously which has led me to this point where I feel like I'm somewhat ready to maybe get back into the saddle. It is still too early to say, I don't know if I will slip back again, but at least I can say I am a little better today than I was a month ago. I hope I can keep this up, I don't want to be super productive but even if I am able to do a few things consistently everyday for a few days or weeks, I will take it as a win. 

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