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A Sense of Belongingness


It's a new month, and it is my birthday month....I remember how excited I used to as a child when I had to turn the page of the calendar to May, coz it was my birthday. Even though my birthday seems to be something of a worrisome issue in my adulthood, there is still a childish pat in me that gets excited about May first. But I don't want to dive too deep into that today, I want to write about what happened one year ago yesterday, i.e., 30th April, 2019.
 
It surely was a great memory, I was invited to deliver a talk on the occasion of the the birth Anniversaries of Jyotiba Phule and Dr. Ambedkar, I experienced a mixed bag of emotions from excitement to nervousness,  extreme anxiety, I was pretty worried that once I am up the stage I wont be able to get the words out of my mouth, but to my surprise I went on speaking for about half an hour, I spoke so much that I had to be notified about two times to cut my speech short. I think I felt all those emotions because it was something of a maiden speech, sure I have spoken in my university but this was the first formal speech outside of the comfort zone of my university. This was the one that would shape the way people look at me, therefore it caused all the butterflies in my stomach. Nevertheless it went well and everyone liked what I said, perhaps to some extent I surprised myself too, what I spoke on that day were a lot of things on my mind I never really spoke up about, to be able to speak out, speak my mind boldly was somewhat liberating, as though I broke some shackles that kept me tongue tied for a long time. I was really happy with the response I received, and there was my husband who had accompanied me in that journey, an ever constant comforting presence in my life.

But it was not just the speech that makes the day so memorable. It was the day I met Syam, Sreeja and Samson. I think unknowingly I developed some kind of insecurities about myself and the role I played in ASA PU, I worked for it as if it were my own, but I was constantly reminded that I was an outsider constantly looking inward waiting to be finally accepted as one of those who belonged. So when Aruna asked me to come to the University to give her a lift, I must admit I was a little nervous, I was going to meet the current members of ASA HCU. I should have been confident to meet them, because I was now the President of ASA PU. I reached HCU campus, and was waiting near Velivada. Velivada had a personal significance for me otherwise apart from its connection with Rohit movement. I was reminiscing of the time Praveen Annayya brought me here first, I dreamed to study in HCU and to encourage that dream, he had driven me to the campus and we stopped at Velivada which was then known as Shop com. I remember him telling me, 'in a few years you are going to be a part of this campus' he said. I smiled thinking about the awesome life I was going to have here, the friends I was going to make, how much I was going to learn all of the 'college stuff' I was going to be able to do on this campus, and how I was going to meet 'the one' I was going to marry while I study in this campus. Life didn't quite pan out the way that younger version of myself had planned, but nevertheless, here I was in that very same campus with my husband, waiting to meet my new friends. I didn't know it at that time that the people I was going to meet were going to be some of the best friends I have had. I felt so welcome in their presence, there was no intimidation, or need to prove myself as a capable person. As the journey to Nizamabad began so did our friendship, we sang, we laughed and talked about so many things. What stood out most for me was the journey back to Hyderabad, I felt such comfort in their company, for the first time, I felt at home and welcomed. I truly had nobody to relate to completely within ASA PU, like I said, I have felt like I am an outsider looking inwards for acceptance but here I felt like I belonged, meeting them not only made me feel sure about myself but gave me something I so longed for 'a sense of belongingness'. I am so happy that I was able to meet Sreeja, Syam and Samson.


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