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Around four months back, I stopped using my facebook account. It was really hard to disconnect at first, I started my day with it and ended my day with it. It was one way to keep up with everything that was going on not just around me but in general as well. But it was getting too toxic for me after a while and I couldn't take it anymore, so I deleted the app from my phone because I felt that it would be too tempting for me to just log in at some point if I had to keep the app. For the first few days it felt like there was this vacuum, it made me think how much of a role it probably played in my life. I was going through a lot at that time when all this happened. Every small thing I would see on facebook would trigger me emotionally, and this emotional trigger would send me on a downward spiral, endless thoughts, arguments, conflicts and discussions. Everything I wanted to do and say but couldn't and it would make me more and more sad and depressed. 

I knew what the root cause of the problem was, I have been using facebook for so long but it never got to me so much, I knew it had to with a deeper problem. I don't think I will be able to get over it no matter how much I talk about it. It keeps haunting me, it keeps creeping up in my thoughts day and night. So many times I have woken up in between and struggle do to fall asleep and just lay there with my thoughts, felling hurt and helpless. I knew I had to do something to help myself get through it all. I did whatever I could, I started an insta page for my baking, I tried to get involved in my bullet journal, I would continuously watch TV series, I tried to numb myself of all the pain by just mindlessly playing on my phone. I think for a large part that kind of worked, and I think for some days I just stuck to it. 

For sometime it was ok, I would be okay during the day but i twas the nights that would really get to me. 
I couldn't sleep, I couldn't talk about my feelings because even talking about it was exhausting and I knew my husband was feeling hurt too, because of what happened, so I couldn't hurt him more by telling him how I was feeling, it would only make him resent the people that hurt me more and that was not going to be of any help. Talking to my therapist helped a little bit, I think to some extent she was able to get the sense of what was going on with me. But after a point I could't even talk to her. 

I pushed myself for the next few months somehow trying to find whatever I could to make my self feel a little bit better, but everything was short-lived and I had to keep bouncing from one thing to another to just forget it or get over it. And after a while I thought I was doing ok and a lot better than before, but apparently not. I recently decided it was time to get back on social media, so re-installed the fb app on my phone and was going through my feed. It was ok at the beginning because I would carefully avoid things I knew would trigger me but I couldn't do it, I couldn't go on beyond a point. I was still feeling hurt, I was still raw from all the pain, so despite avoiding the things that could trigger me, I couldn't do it. So I deleted it again. 

But why am I still feeling this way? I mean I should really be able to get over it right, then how come I am not? I can't even get myself to write about 'it'. I think when this whole episode went down with ASA PU,  it was a lot more that what happened with ASA PU, I think it struck me really deep, in that one instance I could feel all the pain I have ever felt for being treated bad for being a girl. Every time I was denied an opportunity, every time I was condescended, every time my voice was stifled before it could even come out, every time I was spoken down to, every time I had to work twice as hard than my male counterparts, every time I was passed up for a man, every time I was to prove my worth to that of a man, every time my errors were blown out of proportion, every time I was judged differently. ALL those experiences and all the pain that they carried exploded in my heart magnifying the intensity of pain, causing a thousandfold increase in the pain I felt at that time when I had to walk away from something that I loved so much, something that I gave one hundred percent of my life to. I don't know if I ever can get over it all, or if anyone can understand why I feel like this, but I hope someday I can move past this. 

I feel so ashamed to even feel like this, I know many people may feel that I unnecessarily agonizing over it over and over again. I have chided myself for letting this get to me do much, I would try to tell myself that this is not the first time something like this has happened, but that's just it, this is not the first time I have been seen as in capable because of my gender, and I know so many women are going through things like this everyday, but why should they? They shouldn't have to go through this over and over again. 

I think to one extent what adds to it is that it was the people who supposedly stand for the ideal that Babasaheb advocated. It is truly baffling to me as to how someone who proclaims to be a follower of Ambedkar can look down on their fellow human beings, and ostracize someone. Isn't it ironical that the supposed followers of Ambedkar (who dedicated his life to fight against the Social, Political and Economic ostracizing of people) are in turn actually ostracizing people, especially their own?  






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