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I was depressed today, so I couldn't really do the things I had lined up for the day, more like I didn't feel like doing anything. So I just sat back. I don't know why, I felt bad, maybe it had to something to do with the second coming of my period, which I thought had made a clean exit, but guess what the apocalypse was upon us. I just hated it. I got so annoyed last night and kind of woke up with that same irritated feeling. Growing up I remember how much I wanted to be part of the big girls club namely my mother and other elder women in the family, I thought if I got my period then they would start considering me as one of their own and that I would get the same respect as everyone else did and that we all would have our own secrets, it would sort of be our own little privy club! After years of waiting I finally got my period, and yes I was made part of the privy club, but it didn't quite turn out to be what I wanted it to be. I thought I would be more free but ironically it ended bounding me in these chains, chains that I wasn't supposed to break until it was the right time, or so I was told, but I didn't quite wait around for someone to tell me that this was the right time, I eventually broke them anyway, even though it took me long enough to get there. 

But strangely enough, some chains are never quite broken I suppose, I think my menstrual cycle has put me in a situation I no longer seem to be able to break out of. It successfully cut down my mobility, even when I was free to go where I wanted, it stopped me from eating what I wanted even though I had no adult supervising me on it. (Actually adult supervision on my food habits is something that has been going on for a while now, I think somehow I have started to tune out of what people tell me about what to eat and what not to). Worst of all, it made me lose confidence in myself, it made me hate myself and I feel bad that I gave it that power. And now I am in this vicious cycle of constantly trying to make myself feel good and failing and trying and failing and it goes on  that way. Sometimes I wonder will I ever be able to break this chain?

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