In the recent years I have struggled with the idea of whether or not there is a god. The more I think about it the more I doubt the existence of a God or several gods. I perhaps started to question it a few years ago when I enrolled myself for Phd. 

I was someone who firmly believed in God, and felt that he was the ever present being in my life guarding me through thick and thin, testing me, helping em grow stronger, rewarding me and blessing me for the good deeds I had done. I was deeply inducted into religion and religious practices by my grandparents. It was also one of the ways in which we bonded with my grandparents (paternal), religion was a tricky issue to discuss with my maternal grandparents. Most of what I know about Christianity is what my grandparents have taught me, surprisingly, most of what I knew about hinduism as a child was also because of my paternal grandfather. He would teach me about Jesus and tell me his important teachings and how I was to imbibe them into my life. My grandmother would tell me stories from the bible and tell me that I must never stop praying no matter what and would even share some anecdotes about how prayer helped her. Most of all even though she never said it explicitly she made me believe that Jesus was my friend and that he would always be there for me no matter where I went and how old I grew. This belief that my grandma embedded into my psyche had a huge impact on me. I don't know where I saw this but I remember reading an illustrated book which recorded important events of Jesus' life, and there was this image of Jesus sitting with children and looking at them lovingly and the caption below was 'Jesus loved Children'. It was about the time when his disciples stopped the children from approaching him and he asked them to allow the children to pass through. This touched me so much and I always believed, at least until my early adolescent years that he was my one true friend more than a god. He eventually became a god that was capable of punishing me and putting me through a hell lot of testing times, denying me each time of what I desired. I continued to believe in him even as my life went up in flames. After a point I simply couldn't believe anymore, the funny part was every time I prayed for something, the exact opposite would happen so I stopped for praying for the things I want, I started praying for the well being of all, especially my loved ones. Even though I continued to question the existence of God, I kept saying my daily prayers, but then my brother passed away and I could no longer pray anymore. I think by then rationalism had already caught p with me and y brother's death was probably the final straw that pushed me over to the edge. 

Looking back now making Jesus my friend was a coping mechanism I had adopted when I was a child, I was a very lonely child, a lonely teen and have been a lonely adult for most part of my life, so knowing that regardless of what turn things took, I had one friend, Jesus. I must confess that thought does comfort em even now, but now I no longer am that faithful child who would never forget to pray, never skip a fast in lent, would know all the prayers. Some of my fondest memories from Childhood have to do with church, we all used to attend Sunday mass together putting on our best clothes, we used to have mutton curry on Sundays and if my father was in a good mood he would put on some music in the evenings and I would dance away to glory. What I loved most was the sense of togetherness we all had, that is why as a young girl, I always wanted to get married to a boy who would got to church with me on Sundays, it was a very important thing for me, because I felt going to church fosters a feeling of family, whatever differences we had, whatever issues we had, how many ever internal conflicts were lingering over, the one time we would all be one unit was on Sunday morning and it really warmed my heart. 

Even when I first went off to boarding school at around the age of nine, Jesus was my companion. I was very homesick, I used to cry a lot, I hated the place I was studying in, I was constantly forced to denounce my religion and forced to follow a hindutva propaganda and I hated every bit of it. the more I was coerced the more I clinged to my friend Jesus. From the balcony in my dormitory, I could see a statue of Jesus having the same loving smile he had in that picture I saw of him with children surrounding him and looking so happy. So every time I looked at that statue I believed that God himself was smiling upon me and showering his love on me. Anytime I felt sad, I knew where to go, and I could just pour my heart out to him and he would listen to me, without judgement, understand me and care for me, or so I believed. And when I later went to a different boarding school, it was the Chapel that was my place of refuge. I cannot count the number of times I have sat there to feel loved and accepted. On most days I never even said anything like I did when I was a child, I just sat there and wept and felt that my friend Jesus would just know what was bothering me. The older I grew it was hard to believe that there would be a god who would want to constantly put me through pain, I began to feel that it there really was a god he must be a sadistic one, for what god would cause his children so much misery? 

Today I no longer am that naive child who was deeply religious and believed in prayer. I cannot get myself to pray anymore. My home now is surrounded by churches from various denominations, the younger me would have thought myself so lucky to be living in a place where the church is just a stone's throw away, but now I am more or less indifferent to it. However I must admit that on really tough days, looking at the cross being lit in the dark makes me feel good even though I don't pray or think of the idea of god in the same way I did when I was younger.  I think more than the belief of God what I miss most is the singing in chapel and church, the feeling of family, togetherness and sharing. There still are many things in Christianity that remain close to my heart and give me sense of hope and strength, particularly Jesus, only now I see him as more of a revolutionary leader than a God. A leader who spread the message of God, a leader who stood by the side of the downtrodden , a leader who never for once hesitated to drink water from a samaritan woman who was considered an untouchable, a leader who stood by women, a leader who questioned peoples hypocrisy in judging people when they themselves were in the wrong, a leader who taught that whatsoever we do unto the least of our brothers we do unto him, a leader who healed the sick, a leader who cared for children.  And god or not, son of god or not, for me he will never cease to be an emancipator, a revolutionary leader.