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Writing is something I love, yet I have not been able to do it for so long, I have been trying and failing to keep up a writing routine, at one point I got into this great habit of writing something or the other everyday, but somewhere down the line I go lost and went back to the point where I could no longer do it with the same ease that I did before. 

Today I revisited the posts I wrote on my blog earlier to see what I had written about and how did I do it so effortlessly. Turns out it wasn't so effortless after all, even then I was struggling, but somehow I tried to push my self. I also understood, reading my blog is also a way to keep track of my mental health. Due to the amount of issues that have heaped up in the recent past I feel like I am in a very terrible place right now and I was doing OK back then, but I wasn't truly doing OK even then, but I was able to find the head space to do things I like, like writing because I had some time and space for myself away from the emotional triggers which I am forced to be face to face with right now and hence the inability to write anything new. I know the lock down in itself has been very depressing but, in some way it was a blessing in disguise, it helped to to be able to draw those boundaries without exerting my self emotionally. It kept me away from the toxicity I was in no shape to deal with, which helped me make some progress and gave me some time to at least contemplate what I would like to do. Now that there is no external factor to aid me in drawing those boundaries I once again find myself in a situation that  don't have the mental strength to deal with. In all honesty, it has been extremely disturbing that I am not able to write, and it became a vicious circle, I haven't been in a healthy environment which put up a road block to my writing and not being able to write further intensified my sadness and it has been going on and on ever since leaving me extremely frustrated and exhausted to the point where I started tuning out of everything and numbing myself out of the pain I'm constantly feeling. Two things that have been helping me to do that is watching TV series and eating, well eating not so much as the TV series, I have been careful to pick something that inspires me and makes me laugh and probably ignites the fire in me once more to do something. I guess the face that I have been able to even write this long paragraph today is probably proof that in some minute level that has been helping. 

This year the one thing I have been learning and trying really hard to do is to be a little compassionate with myself, so I am not going to set any goal this time unlike what I have done previously, I understand that it is a difficult thing to cruise through when I am constantly forced to face my emotional triggers that send on a downward spiral, and I want to pat myself for taking this step to finally make an effort to just simply attempt at writing something, and I faith in myself that I will slowly start getting back to doing this, in my own space and time. 

Another thing about this year has been about picking myself up and trying again, every time I fail, so I think what I want to tell myself is it doesn't matter that I failed these many times at what I wanted to do, it matters that each time I failed I found the strength to pick myself up again and try once more. There is a small anecdote I want to remind myself of. When I was about 9 years old, all I wanted was a cycle, I liked the idea of riding a cycle so much that I tried to learn it on the big bicycle but as I said, it was indeed too big for me. Seeing my enthusiasm to learn, my parents bought me a maroon colour ladybird cycle. my excitement knew no bounds, I tried to learn to ride it as much as I could. So everyday I would get out bed with the excitement that I could ride my cycle, everyday I fell, I scraped my knees, I bruised my legs, I got scratches everywhere, yet every time I fell, I picked myself up, dusted off and gave it a go once again to learn how to ride the cycle until finally one day I was able to do it, on my own, without falling, without bruising, and I'd have to say it was indeed the smoothest cycle ride of my life! I can never forget the exhilaration I felt that day and I have always been so proud of myself for not stopping. Some of my friends and cousins told me he they fell off when they tried to learn and have been scared to try to learn it again, while its okay that they didn't want to do it, I felt happy that I found in myself the strength and courage in myself to do it, because I really loved riding my maroon colour lady bird. 

I think this has been one of the greatest things I have done in my life, because each time I am faced with a failure, I remind myself that somewhere deep down within me  is this little girl who never stopped picking herself up each time she fell and I must go forward with that same spirit that she possessed and as long as I keep that spirit alive within me I can achieve what is dear to my heart. 

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