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When 2020 was ending, I told myself that 2021 is the year I am going to dedicate to writing and actually make something out of it. But when 2021 came, despite all the determination and self motivation I haven't been able to string words together beyond the two posts I wrote here. I feel this burning passion within me to write and a host of ideas bubbling in mind waiting to be put into words, yet I am unable to do it. True my mind has been rather occupied with completing the immediate task at hand my PhD which is long overdue at this point of time, however, even when I am able to make time for writing, my mind just doesn't seem to allow the words to flow. At this point I feel like all the ideas that flying around my head seem to be imprisoned my this wall that seems to have been put up within me. And each time I try to break down the wall, it only seem to get stronger and stronger and further decelerating the process of writing I was so eager to participate in. 

Things aren't exactly going the way I imagined or hoped, I knew that this was a possibility but the amount of positivity I had at the beginning seems to be dwindling by the hour and I seem to engulfed in despair as the days go by caught in a whirlpool of melancholy which only seems to absorb me with greater strength the harder I try not be consumed by it. The exhaustion makes want to just allow it do its job and take me in completely pushing me into that deep dark abyss, but my heart shudders at that thought and tells me to keep going. Each day I am caught in this quagmire of dissonance that only seems to escalate the anxiety which only further fuels the discord within me. 

I really need a win of some sort to go on about my business but it continues to evade me, no matter how hard I try I always seem to be short of that win I so terribly need. It always seems like it is within reach and each time I try to stretch out my hand to get a hold of it, it keeps going farther away. Sometimes I fear that my heart may stop beating before I can ever hold that victory in my hand and it scares me, drives me mad with rage, resentment and anguish. Will there ever be any deliverance from this pain? 

I am filled with self doubt and fear and the future seems so bleak and I don't seem to be getting anywhere and that is very messed up place to be in. I keep trying to focus on the present and just keep working at it but it is not helping me go forward, no matter how much I do I still keep feeling like I am still in the same place making me wonder what all that work was for, but then I know that all that work is needed if I wish to go forward. I kept focusing only on my research keeping everything else on the back burner. I know it is a time consuming process but it just seems to be taking forever. I am in a very unhappy space right now. The pragmatic part of me tells me that it is ok, this is normal, but the anxious part of me seems to rile me up. 

I want to do so many things but I am not able to do that because I need to get this done first and I am afraid that once I get this done, life will catch up and burden me with other tasks leaving little room for me to do the things I wanted to do so badly. I keep telling my self that it is a worry for another day but it still doesn't seem to stop bothering me. All my anxieties seem to be reaching their peaks and causing an upheaval in me and I just don't know what to do. 

I long for Serenity. 

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