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After a long hiatus, I am back to writing again, yayy! I am not sure if I can do it on a daily basis like I intended to, but at least I'm going to write a little bit more than the last two months (hopefully). 

Starting from mid January almost I immersed myself in completing my research, so I kept everything aside, all the things I wanted to do this year, all the resolutions I made had to take a back seat, I feel like I had to put a whole part of my life on hold and focus on just this one thing and in that period I felt like the only thing that really mattered was just completing the job at hand and I just couldn't get my self to do anything else, it was as though my mind had shut off from being able to do anything else. It was too much of mental effort to take up anything else other than this. I had one task and I had to finish that. Even though I have completely been able to accomplish what I wanted to I am still happy with the work I have done. And the inability to reach my goal in this case has more to do with the administration in the University than a lack of work being done on my side. So I feel okay. 

In the past months I had many trying times, it was exhausting, it was frustrating, and I felt anxious all the time, uncertain about everything, the only thing I tried to do was keep going and finishing my work. When I look back at the past two and a half months I feel so good, and proud of myself. I am happy that I put in the work, I am amazed at how we were able to complete all that we did in this time period, most of all I am very happy that I didn't compromise on the topic I wanted to take up. Somewhere in 2018 or 2019, I came across a research paper on 'Unwanted Consent' , when I read that I knew I wanted to pursue that topic, but in the course of reading all the papers I did I wasn't sure, I got a lot of advice from many friends to finish up my Phd and get my degree and if I am passionate about something, pursue it later as personal research. Even thought this made logical sense I was still not sure if I wanted to do that. so I tried to push my self and my partner into helping me with this and I eventually stuck to the topic I wanted to do. I am happy I didn't compromise on what I wanted to do, I am happy that I have stayed true to my original plan. Of course it goes without saying that it had to go through a lot more modifications than what was the original plan, but in this case the modifications make it better as they have been made with a better knowledge acquired to reading a little more into this topic.  I am yet to give my Synopsis, but I am ready with the work so I feel good. Now the next challenge is start and finish writing chapters and work on papers. 

I feel so much better now as opposed to low I was a month ago. I am aware that it is not difficult to slip into the depression and anxiety once again but I am happy that I feel much better now and want to savor this positivity I feel right now. I know I will never be at peace till I submit my work, but seeing how much I have accomplished so far has given a new lease of energy to fight it out and work towards it , hopefully this energy will last till I reach the next goal. 

Perhaps once this all comes together I can get back to my writing goals, it's the one thing that keeps gnawing at me, but I have been able to keep it on the back burner for now, making sure the flame doesn't go off, even thought I can't give it the attention I want to just yet. 

Here's to hoping for better and more successful days ahead. 


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