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 Today I was in a mood to write something, nothing in particular, but just felt like putting some words down, the weather seems so pleasant, it is raining outside and I'm in here listening to Billie Eilish singing 'Everything I wanted'. Something in her voice make me want to write and so here I am. 

Things seem to be getting worse by the day on the outside, every time we see the news, or open any social media pages. Each time we receive a call from someone we haven't spoken in a long time, it worries us because we don't know what has happened to them. In these tough times, I am more and more thankful each day for the things that I have in my life, and I am trying to focus on the good things in life ad trying to make the most with what I have got, for who knows what tomorrow may bring. I keep trying to push away the things that cause me immense pain and try to focus on all the good I have as difficult is it is to do that. I try so hard not to think of the future and trying to live my life one day at a time. It gets a little difficult fro me to d this because the people that I am surrounded by aren't exactly of the same temperament as I am of. 

When the outside world is going through so much and struggling to survive each day, I am surrounded by people who are clutching on harder to archaic and inhumane practices. It baffles me as to how even in tough times such as these it is more important for my maternal Grandmother to ensure she doesn't come in to contact with her menstruating granddaughter, or get mighty agitated at thought of a drop of alcohol touching her granddaughter's lips, she seems to be more concerned about the length of her dress than her well being, more concerned about her giving up non-veg food on prescribed days than letting her eat what she desires. What is even more disturbing is that even in times like these nobody will even dare to tell her to let go of her rigidity. 

I see the stark difference in the way my cousin brother and my partner are treated and the way my sister, my cousin sister and I are treated. The very same actions would be judged differently when committed by a man and a woman. This is a phenomenon I have been all too familiar with, I have experienced it rather painfully on several occasions outside the comforts of my home. The sad thing is that we are not spared of this treatment even within the walls of our own homes, in fact it hurts even more when we are subjected to this in the very confines of our homes which are supposed to be our safe havens. With each passing day it only becomes more and more clearer that these homes are not our safe havens but spaces in which our agency must be controlled one way or another, and we must comply with the unspoken rules of patriarchy that have been ruling these households for ages. And each time we question these things we are the ones who are in the wrong for even daring to think like that or looked at as if we are just looking for a reason to fight, and every time we do try to fight it is our mental health that gets affected while those imposing the patriarchal norms seem to come out of it unscathed. 

Each day I seem to find myself at crossroads, should I speak up against these problematic and toxic or should I take care of my mental health, on most days I seem to choose the former because I feel that If I don't speak up then even the slightest possibility of change will remain unfathomable. If I do something maybe, just maybe my sisters' tomorrow maybe slightly better than my yesterday. It was this same thought that kept me going when I was in ASA, and in hindsight I can see that my presence has made a difference in some way and that is what gives me strength to carry on. 

I don't mean to say or advocate that we have to fight keeping our mental health at stake, I would never say that and in all honesty there have been several days and several times I have chosen my mental health over fighting for something, after all you cannot feed someone from an empty vessel, so if I do not take care of my self first I cannot fight for my sisters. And it has indeed been a tiresome balance to achieve and I know it is going to be like this for a long time to come. In the meanwhile I try to hold on to the good things I have in my life and derive strength from them and hope that it helps me to carry on. 

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