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An attempt to restart

 So this is my attempt to getting back to writing, I noticed how I wasn't able to write even a single post in 2023, but that's understandable I suppose, I had to forcefully tuck that part of myself away as I had to focus all my energies on completing my thesis. Now that I have completed that arduous task, I am free to once again distribute my time among my creative pursuits. Somehow it was easier to get back to setting up my bullet journal but getting back to writing has been so much harder, it's possible that I found it hard to write again because so much of the writing I was doing was academic or had to serve some purpose, I hadn't written anything simply for the joy of being able to put words together. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to do that. 

In the recent times I have been thinking a lot about writing, and have had serious doubts about whether I can actually do it. To be honest it has been really scary to do that as I had been wondering if I was any good, if I had it in me to actually create something beautiful. That is extremely troubling because on one hand I do want to establish myself as a writer but on the other hand I am wondering if I can actually write anything from my imagination at all, sometimes I feel I am probably just good at writing about things I know or have experienced and I am not sure if I am any good at even that. I remember few years back I felt so confident about my writing but now I have really hit a low point. Each time I think about writing I am lost for words and ideas, and my mind just seems so blank, so empty, and I am not even able to get back to writing or finishing my previous works in progress or even get started with anything I had thought of writing about before. 

I feel so out of touch with reading and writing, actually I wanted to get back to those two things this year, but I am not sure if I can do that just yet as my life keeps getting in the way of my plans and I am forced to focus on other things. I guess that is the story of my life. I keep wanting for things to be a certain way but something or the other comes up in between to wreak havoc. I am beginning to think that maybe my approach to this whole thing is wrong. I keep waiting to create that perfect space both (physical and mental) for me to start writing once again. Maybe that perfect space exists only in my head, and even if were to hypothetically have that perfect headspace and writing space, who is to say that I will be able to churn out beautiful pieces of writing? 

While it is true that for as long as I had my PhD hanging around my neck like a noose, I really had to focus all my attention and energy on it and work as hard as I could to get it done, that included presenting my synopsis, writing my thesis and submitting my thesis and bearing patiently with all the administrative hurdles that come along as a free bonus to mar your already deteriorating mental health. But now I am free, at least from the burden that it had become, sometimes I don't think I even realise that its over, I somehow find it so hard to believe that I finally finished all that I need to do for my PhD. Someday maybe I will attempt to write about what that whole journey has been like, I don't think i am quite ready to revisit it yet, I truly want to experience life out of the shadow of all that pain and trauma. I think it went on for so long, it almost became a part of me, so it feels strange to say or even think that it's over. 

Anyway as I was saying, now that I am free at least free of the mental burden, perhaps I ought to write more, at least try to write more. It is not going to be easy and it is going to take me some time to get back into the whole process. But I do think I need to change my attitude or perspective about this. Maybe I am looking at this all wrong, I am so overwhelmed by how it is going to be, or how good it needs to be and I am afraid that I cannot reach that abstract standard I set for myself so I keep pushing it away. The funny thing is however abstract or real that standard is, one cannot reach it without trying, without practice and one surely cannot hope to achieve that on the first attempt. 

Perhaps I ought to look at it this way, writing gave me joy, a sense of accomplishment, just the fact that I was able to string along a words into something that made sense gave me so much happiness, and I started writing simply because it felt good, I somehow seem to have forgotten all that and have been putting myself under tremendous pressure to just produce something out of thin air. I probably need to write this down and put it somewhere I can see everyday, 'writing is joy'. 

I think this has been the problem of late, I am so consumed with the end result that i forget to enjoy the process, I find myself constantly slipping into that pattern with everything I do, I really ought to enjoy the process, write for the sake of writing not because I need to create a master piece, who knows in the process I might stumble upon something and create something wonderful!

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